I am a stay-at-home mom.
Wait. Don’t let those stereotypes sink in. The image is appearing in your mind: a woman in jeans and a ponytail, singing the ABCs, making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and changing diapers. Oh, wait – that IS me. But – that’s not ALL of me. Not even close.
The reality is that I love speaking at conferences, traveling to new places, meeting new people, and volunteering in my community.
I like sipping wine, talking politics and good books, and collaborating with businesses. I have a Masters degree, a killer resume, and a million ideas.
I’d like to be a part of Greater Tucson Leadership and the local chamber of commerce. I’d like to sit on the board for the Volunteer Center of Southern Arizona. I’d like to join the National Speakers Association. I’d like to work/consult for a Fortune 500. I’d like to get my Ph.D.
BUT – I also don’t like leaving my kids. I genuinely love being with them – every day, all day.
The trouble with leadership organizations and events in our culture is that they tend to block families out.
They want me to come to a “mixer” at 7pm every Tuesday – decked out in heels, with business cards in my pocket – while someone else puts my baby to bed.
They want me to go on trips – flying solo and staying in swanky hotels…hotels that have water slides that my girls would L-O-V-E.
They want me to attend charity balls with invitations that say, “No Children, Please.”
As such, I opt out. And so does my husband. Because as much as we care about our city/state/nation, we care about our kids MORE.
I wonder what can be done about this dilemma. Some of the brightest minds, strongest communicators, and most innovative leaders that I know are highly involved parents that are choosing NOT to participate in business/political groups.
I propose a new model, a new paradigm. Perhaps babies could be included…invited…to meetings sometimes. Perhaps universities could leverage technology and offer more post-graduate degrees online. Perhaps business mixers could be family affairs sometimes (or be offered at more convenient times, at the very least). Perhaps companies could offer more flextime, part-time, and at-home opportunities. Perhaps, as a culture, we could begin to view a baby’s laugh or a child’s presence as something more than a distraction.
The question on my mind is: How can I contribute to the future of my city, state, and nation without compromising my family? I don’t have the answer…
yet.
Are you a member or officer in any business, community, or political groups? Why or why not?
As usual, I loved your post. I too struggle with these issues as a stay at home mom. I have multiple degrees and had a successful career as an art teacher and have considered doing more volunteer work teaching art classes. However it requires time away from my son and for how quickly he grows up, I don’t want to be away from him too much. Thankfully when I volunteer to teach art workshops at the library, I can bring him with me. I do work part time (one Sunday a month) at an art museum and sometimes I feel that it’s too much time away. But it is good to get out and “stretch” my art muscles again.
I considered being on our town’s environmental action board, but the late hours and commitment is too much time away from the family. I figure that there will be plenty of time for that when my son is older.
Stephanie, This is all so well said. To your question, “How can I contribute to the future of my city, state, and nation without compromising my family?” . . . I would add “church” to your list as well. I love your line: “Perhaps, as a culture, we could begin to view a baby’s laugh or a child’s presence as something more than a distraction.” I am constantly bothered that the natural sounds of children (I’m not talking about screaming, loud crying, TRULY distracting noises, etc.) are not welcome in places like church services or at any place where you would want to serve in the church. You are expected to get a babysitter, or in some cases the church provides child care. If my child can’t be with me, I opt out. We want our child with us in church and we want to serve as a family and expose our children from birth to what we are doing in our community (either through church or other community organizations) so unless an opportunity is child-friendly, we opt out. We can always find a way to serve on our own as a family that is not under an “official” organization, but these organizations are really missing out in my opinion. It is a whole mind-set shift I think needs to happen. I mean, if you involve the whole family in these types of organizations, don’t you think our kids would come up with some of the brightest ideas to contribute as well? What better way to have contributing citizens than to start them young, believing they can make a difference in their community, no matter what their age.
Anyway, excellent post! You continue to inspire me.
I struggle with this and my first isn’t even born yet (due in July.) I have two bachelor’s degrees and a very short work history, mostly due to age and location. I am only two years out of school and live in a very small community (my husband is military – we are stationed here) which makes the employment options very limited.
I know I want to be a stay at home mom when my son is born later this summer. I just wish more people understood that a mother’s mind doesn’t turn to mush the moment she hears her child’s cry and that by opting out of the many family unfriendly work options, I am not “wasting” my potential. I’m helping to nurture the potential of the next generation.
I reread that and realize I kept saying work. I want to include any type of volunteer organization too.
No, I’m not a member of those things for the reasons you have stated. I have a whole new set of children to raise. If we had only the boys, I’d be done now but God has blessed us with 2 more beautiful children and life as I know it continues on.
It’s not only those functions that you mention that aren’t family friendly, there are others too. I would love to do a MOPS but I homeschool and that means my almost 8 yo would have to come to the MOPS meetings too. People don’t like that. It seems that this is a common problem for homeschoolers.
Stephanie- You look GORGEOUS in that first photo! I’m not sure if it’s the pink shirt or what but you look amazing.
I completely agree with you. My mom was heavy into volunteering and being on “boards” when we were younger but she wasn’t able to do so until the very last of us, my brother, was in school during the day.
My local Early Childhood group is looking for new members for their parent advisory council and you can bring the kids with! I’m thinking of joining. They do it around lunchtime so they encourage you to bring a brown bag and have a bit of a picnic before the meeting starts. The kids can either hang in the classrooms with preschool teachers or come with the parents. They especially encourage breastfeeding babes to stay with mama. Such a great organization!
I figure I’ll have plenty of time after my kiddos are grown to “use” my degree. And, even if I don’t. It’s so worth it to stay home, and watch little ones grow. In general though, I wish this world were a little more family friendly. There are plenty of things that I’d like to attend, but they just don’t include kiddos or they happen to fall around bedtime. Even some of the churches we’ve tried were insistent upon secluding children. At one of them it was made very clear that I wasn’t welcome in the nursery with Levi. Needless to say, I stayed with him anyway, and we haven’t been back.
Yes now it’s seams that kids are a inconvenience rather then a blessing in our community! No wonder that the average size family is getting smaller and smaller and smaller!
My husband and I are part of a church planting in our community, what does it means? Well we meet once a weeks for prayer and worship but also one a weeks (in mid-week)we meet to see how we could serve our community.
So many activities from soup kitchen to building shelters for homeless are done to make our community better! We teach young children, families go visit the sick and poor etc… It’s lots of fun and family friendly and yes does really impact our community on many level and help utilize each of us special abilities :-)
Yes Stephanie…i completely agree with you. It is just plain sad. I am wrapping up my masters in a few days and I have been doing a lot of interviewing. The common line is, “are you married?”, “do you have kids?”, “you cant be an efficient engineer the first three years of your career if you are already married or have kids”! Says who? I aced my classes while taking care of my family, I took my finals a day before my daughter was born. I am not a slacker just because I have a child.
Mothers who even work are held to a much stricter standards at work because they feel you will slack off. They offer promotions to childless women more often than if you have children. I cannot fathom what this society is becoming.
They dont understand how valuable women are in our society. Their myopic views is what led to this economic disaster the country is facing. I am not saying any mother should take their child to work when they have to be in school, what I disagree with is telling us what to do, or making up rules like “kids are not allowed”, giving us two tickets to a dinner, so we know not to bring our child.
Like you said, children are not distractions. If I can go to work at 9am and get back at 2pm before my child gets back from school. If I can volunteer and take my child with me. If I can meet up with a client at a restaurant and take my child with me, then the world will be a better place for mothers.
Right now, I have three job offers, but I will be saying NO to all of them. I cannot work where my family is not appreciated. I plan on starting my own consulting firm this fall. I am done with Corporate America!
Hey Stephanie–I work for Graco & i have to say we are pretty family friendly here. Many of our departments are made up of working moms so flexibility is key. I have never had any issues having to stay home because one of my girls is sick or leaving early to take them to the doctors. Graco also has a lactation program which is awesome with a dedicated space to pump as well as lactation consultant that reaches out to you before & after you have the baby. Graco encourages everyone to bring in their kids & families too. I have totally lucked out working at a place that happily celebrates when someone is pregnant & I can truly understand the products I market since I use them every day. win win!
No and I have no desire to be so. I do have a strong desire to get more involved in giving back to those in need and connecting with church run groups… as far as leadership groups and things of that nature, it isn’t on my heart.
Nell
Heh, in a word, no. Mostly because teachers very rarely get asked to join those kinds of groups and if they do, they usually don’t have time. :(
But this post just reminded me of all the “controversy” I always see about kids on airplanes. Unfortunately those without kids (or even if their kids are grown) don’t want to be around other people’s kids. Until we change that mentality I doubt this will happen at all. :(
This post resonates with me.
There is a local networking group that I would love to be a part of. Unfortunately their meetings are always in the evening, always right before my kids bedtime. So I haven’t gotten involved.
Being home with my kids is most important to me. I leave them with their Auntie or their Nana about once a week for a few hours, but I don’t want to leave them any more often than that. And I certainly don’t want to leave them at bedtime.
Fortunately I’ve been able to become involved with my city by writing for the local newspaper. It’s not much – but it’s something I enjoy and I feel like I am making a difference. That’s what is important to me.
I am on state and local board that advocates for children’s mental health. It is very part time and I still get to be with my kids. I love having my foot in the door in my field of work.
I totally agree with you on all fo this! I have had to cut back on everything to be there with my daughter. I want to be involved so much more but have to repeatedly turn down a lot of good causes which are important to me because they simply do not work with also being a mother and parenting. Its hard to say no but then the upside/reward is the time I am devoting to my daughter. The way I try to look at it is that the time with her will pass and is limited….someday I will have the time to devote to other things. This time I have with her though will be over all too quick. The other stuff can wait.
I LOVE this post!
Although I didn’t go to college, I consider myself very intelligent, with a lot of great ideas. I have no desire to go to college and/or start a career because it would take me away from my precious babies. But I’m right where I want to be… at home raising the future generation!
I am not involved in my community and your post hits the nail on the head as to why. I love being home with my girl (and hubby) more then anything else. They are my priority.
I am very thankful to be able to work from home on my own schedule (which of course is really Lily’s schedule) but my employer doesn’t want people to know that I work from home because he doesn’t think it’s professional. I think just the opposite; I think it is a very good thing and so does everyone I have told.
I too stay at home with my girls. As of right now I am not involved in business, community, or political groups. Perhaps it’s something that I will look into whenever my girls are older – for now I’m just enjoying focusing on them full time.
I do participate in a few groups.
Secretary for the Booster Club for my son’s high school football team. One Tuesday a month, and it keeps me in the know.
Member of Mile High Mamas – Some months are with kids, some are without.
Volunteering – I started working with homeless kids.. I realized my 6 kids were home without me. So.. I started my own volunteer group. Something moms can do at home with their kids. Perfect!
Balance, balance, balance… it’s so hard! I think there is a time and a season for everything. Right now, my life is consumed with work and my family. There isn’t much time for getting heavily involved in organizations, but I do attend a monthly community council meeting as part of my job, so I feel good that I am ‘in the know.’ I am currently looking for ways to volunteer in the community with my daughter in tow.
I stumbled upon your blog and had to laugh…but also want to encourage each of you posting here to stay with your children as many hours and years as you can! I did, I am so, so glad…my daughter just graduated from Princeton and my so is a happy sophomore at Whitman College and I am busy, busy, busy and enjoying everything so much. No empty nest syndrome here because I spent my their childhoods with my children and when they were ready to fly, I was sad but joyful as they took wing. You will be too – Mother is THE most important job, regardless of current social mores. So take heart, ignore the barbs (yes, there were many), and mother to your heart’s content. GTG – meeting with my legal team; my great idea, an idea that I only came to because of both my technical training AND my time as full-time mommy may be worth a fortune! But the time spent with little ones: Priceless!
I am a co-leader in my local chapter of the Holistic Moms Network. You probably haven’t heard of this organization yet, since we don’t have any chapters in AZ yet. Anyway, the HMN is national non-profit support and discussion network for moms with an interest in natural/holistic and alternative health and parenting. Our particular chapter meets 1-2 times a month, sometimes with a speaker and guess what, kids are always welcome!!! Sure, meetings are a bit noisy at times, but we try to keep the kids busy with toys. I like volunteering my time to this organization since it gives me an added sense of worth besides being mom to two boys, wife, etc.
I too wish that companies were more flexible to for moms. I would love to work part-time or job share, but they hardly ever offer those kind of options in the biotech world.