Marriage advice should be taken with a grain block of salt…especially from strangers or people with less than stellar marriages.
For some reason, it’s always the miserably married that want to tell you what to do or not to do. They assume (often mistakenly) that because something didn’t work for them that it won’t work for you either.
For example, my husband and I got married young (by our culture’s standards – I was 19; he was 21). We were still in college at the time, a semester shy of graduation.
When we announced our engagement, there were many well-meaning types that warned us that marriage was hard and that being a married college student was harder still. We smiled gracefully and promptly discarded their advice into the nearest depository.
The truth was that our lives got much EASIER from the day we walked down that altar. We were together. We were close. We were our biggest champions and friends (and still are, by the way). And our college life improved too. We graduated with flying colors (I think we both got 4.0’s that semester in case you’re wondering) and we both went on to get our masters degrees as well.
All that to say this: People will sometimes tell you crazy things about marriage – and about marriage post-baby.
For example, they may tell you that it is imperative for you to get out and have regular date nights without your baby as soon as possible.
When our firstborn was a few months old, I remember feeling a little sheepish when people would ask us about date nights. “Um, we haven’t really left our baby yet,” I’d say shyly, somewhat apologetically. They’d tsk-tsk and reassure us in soothing tones that the baby would be fine and we could leave a bottle and it would be good for all of us, etc.
The truth? It WASN’T better for us. Or easier for us. Leaving our exclusively breastfed baby made us both miserable. Both my husband and I genuinely didn’t want to leave her with anyone. We felt more peaceful, relaxed, energized, intimate…when she was WITH us.
So, we discarded that whole date night bit of advice too. And we came up with our own game plan – regular, daily connections. Fun nights in our house after baby’s bedtime. Outings with a sleeping or smiley baby in tow.
Author Nicholas Sparks wrote, “But love, I’ve come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.”
You see. Love isn’t a once-a-week date night. Love is in the every day, the mundane. Love is when my husband fills up my car with gas every single time the gauge gets low. It’s when he clips our girls’ toenails and fingernails because he knows that I am a little bit nervous about it. It’s when he brings me a tall glass of water when I’m breastfeeding, when he mops the whole house tip-to-top, when he makes me say “I Am Da Bomb” when I get discouraged just to make me laugh. It’s the little things.
If you like going on date nights sans baby, then do. Date nights can be important, fun, and invigorating times of connection and closeness. But if you’d rather not, that’s okay too. You can still pull out the cheese and wine after baby is tucked in or order in pizza and eat it by candlelight or watch your favorite TV show or have long conversations about just about anything.
The important thing is to connect, to laugh, to romance each other, to nurture your friendship. In whatever context works for you. So if you don’t want to leave your baby, brush that pressure off your sleeve and do your own thing. Dance in the kitchen with your baby watching. Go for a hike together with your baby on your back. Kiss your spouse passionately…unexpectedly.
Date Night – Schmate Night. We don’t need “dinner and a movie” to make our marriage sparkle. It’s shining from day-to-day, deliberate service to each other.
P.S. We do expect that we will go on more “solo” outings as our kids get older. We just prefer to keep them close for the first year(s).
Wonderful post!!! My husband & I went out once when our daughter was just a few months old, and it was a near-disaster. I almost broke down crying because I missed our baby so much. Tried it again when she was almost 1, and still didn’t have the best time together…
After only a couple of other tries, we gave it up until just a few months ago. Our daughter turned 2 in April, and since she loves both sets of grandparents SO much, we decided to let her spend a little more time with them. Livia spends one night a month away from home and with her grandparents. And though we do get some wonderful time together, we are also reminded of just how lucky we are to have our little Livie-Bug!
Thank you for the gentle reminder that a relationship is maintained daily and not once a month. Have a wonderful, blessed day!
Love this!
My husband and I got married at 18 and 20, and had our first daughter a year later. We don’t go on regular date nights. When I quit my job in my first pregnancy, people were asking why I was quitting so early in pregnancy, and I would tell them why… I didn’t like working shifts that were opposite my husband’s. I didn’t get to see him. So I was quitting so I could stay home and spend time with him and then, when baby came, focus on being a mom.
I was told by a few people that it was a great move… and then told by a few other people that it was a horrible move, and my husband and I were going to drive each other nuts if we were around each other all the time. “You need your own hobbies.” “You need different groups of friends.” “You need regular nights away from each other.”
It’s been 3 years since I quit my job to stay home and spend time with my husband, and every day gets better… and I miss him when he goes to work! :)
PS I had my baby! :) She was born early Thursday morning via all natural VBAC, and it was a wonderful experience!
I LOVE this post!
Knowing you, I’m not the slightest bit surprised that you have an awesome marriage. I can totally see you marrying at 19 and staying married forever. YOU are that type of person. I can just see it. I can imagine you are an awesome wife and mom and that your husband would recognize how lucky he is.
(And he sounds like a great guy too.)
I think it’s great that you ignore the advice from others who don’t have the great marriage that you have.
I wish I could say my marriage was as awesome as yours… but I’m just not as good of a wife as you. LOL. Honestly. I’m not. LOL
For me, I do need to try to start making date night more of a necessity. Our girls are now 2 and 4 and both still co-sleep. Which we LOVE. I think co-sleeping is the BEST.
But it is time for us now to start making those date nights a bit more of a necessity. But that is just US at this phase. And I would never tell another couple what they should or shouldn’t do.
Talk soon,
Susan
we only went out twice my daughters 1st year, a movis in the afternoon during her nap (my mom watched her), then we moved and a neighbor watched her at about 9 month for our wedding anniv. my second daughter she was never left with anyone until she was 2. we still don’t go out too often. My husband took us to seattle overnight for my bday this weekend and the girls came with us.
I just love your blog. You are the FIRST person I have ever heard say this outloud. My husband and I have been doing exactly what you wrote for the last 9 years, since our first son was born. Not only do we have more fun at home (without the worry about our children) but we save a good buck on babysitters, dinners and movies…money we can save for fun family stuff! Kudos for writing down what a lot of us have been thinking, and doing for a long time!
K.
Wow. Love, love, love this post. We get offers for free babysitting all the time (which is very kind), but when we tell people thank you but we just love having our child with us and don’t really do the babysitting thing, we get some funny looks. We also believe in celebrating the every day, and there are many little things you can do at home in the regularness of it all that make for special moments, and we have found you can do this very simply either with baby awake and included or asleep and just the two of you. Once our little guy is older and fully weaned, I’m sure we will leave him with other people once in a while. But it will be the exception, because we love to do things with him, and I don’t see that changing. And I still don’t ever see doing the traditional babysitting thing. We will trade off with friends who have children that our child(ren) can play with, so that he is in a family setting, or we will leave him for an afternoon and/or evening of play or an overnight with his older cousins and aunt or his grandmother, but it will be a win-win situation—something that is so enjoyable for him that he won’t feel like we left him with something second-rate so we could go have a good time without him :-) That is our hope anyway. For now, we just soak up every moment with him. As Sara Groves sings, “. . . it’s just that I’ve heard eighteen years goes by like a breeze.”
I think every family has to decide what works for them. But this is what works for us and we have no regrets.
Also, you are an inspiration in the way you handle unsolicited advice and outside pressure. Thanks as always for sharing. Your posts just keep getting better.
Well I completely agree (not surprisingly:)! We didn’t go on a date without our baby until she was a little over 1 year old…and I can count on one hand the dates we have gone on since (and she’s almost 2:). We just would much rather all be together when she’s so young. We had 4 years of courtship together just the two of us and 3 years married without a baby…it’s just such a precious fleeting time with little ones. But I do agree, it’s in the every day…and it’s all about romancing each other, connecting, listening, dancing, kissing, doing sweet things for each other, and spending time together just the two of you during naps and whatnot…
I agree!
My husband and I were married two years before I became pregnant, so we had a lot of time to spend together and have fun without kids. Now that my daughter is here, we hate to leave her. We want her with us. A lot of people can’t quite understand and always offered unwanted advice such as “you need a break” “every mom needs time away” “it’s not good to be with your baby 24/7” …I just ignore the advice because its usually from people with COMPLETELY different parenting ideas than my husband and I.
Great blog entry!
I also agree, completely.
The first time I left my daughter with anyone for any length of time, she was 1. It was a disaster. She was so upset that I wasn’t there, and I was too preoccupied, thinking about her and being concerned for her emotional well-being. I didn’t leave her again for an entire year, excepting a couple times we were with family, and had already put her to sleep for the night. I continued that pattern with my next 2 children: Both of them went everywhere with us until they were much older. And I still feel more comfortable with them tagging along than I do with them at home. My husband and I don’t feel like those “dates” are necessary. We just enjoy being with each other, and finding hobbies and pastimes we can both enjoy at home.
As we near 10 years of marriage, I can definitely say that our love is stronger and deeper than it was before our children, despite having just a few child-less outings to our names. In fact, we rarely dated *before* children, either. Or before we even got married. We pretty much always preferred to just spend time with each other in simple, every-day ways.
My husband and I are almost always together. We work together, run errands together, play together — and we love it! Having a baby hasn’t changed that. Now we all three are almost always together!
I agree with most of what you’ve said. My husband and I tend to our marriage daily – and we are so very happy. We don’t do date nights because we live far from family and aren’t ready to hire a teenager to supervise our young children. I do enjoy going out w/o the kids when family visits but I’m perfectly happy doing in it a couple of times a year. We have at home date nights – after the kids are in bed. I think the message about date nights is meant to remind you to not forget your marriage and perhaps some people need to completely remove themselves from their children to focus.
I completely agree with you. Marriage is something you work at everyday. It can’t just happen.
We enjoy our date mornings just so we can watch a movie without the kids. Having to stop the movie every 20 minutes with kids can be annoying sometimes ( :
Home date nights are great too! I usually let my son watch a disney movie in the other room and set up candles and a nice dinner for me and hubby in the dining room and now the baby in her highchair ( :
We then join my 9 year old with popcorn to finish watching the movie.
Loved this weekend and all your posts! So very special and a little reminder of how important marriage is.
Thanks!
Kudos to your view point
Many thanks, Cindi
My husband works nights so we don’t have that time after baby goes to bed to spend together. Except for the few nights a week he as off work. So the our time is always with our son as well. Which I love but I also cherish our once a month date night. Sometimes we go to the movies, or the batting cages, or mini golfing. It is a couple of hours that is just ours and I look forward to it. For us there is a mix, those day to day things he we both do for each other that shows our love but also that couple of hours a month to spend just together. And we are so lucky to have my mom here to watch him so I know he’s in good hands. I think that makes a big difference. There is literally no one else I would trust to watch him.
I love this post. And I totally agree. If it doesn’t feel natural to you to leave your baby, then don’t. I think our society pushes the independence thing way too early, frankly.
I think you make some great points here.
I haven’t read the comments yet, but I just have to say that I love this post so so so much. Thank you for writing it!
S.
Thank you so much for this post!! Though my husband and I do try to get away with each other sans kids we usually trade off babysitting with another close couple but before they moved here we rarely got out alone so we were doing (and still are) what you are. So good to hear that you are ok for not following all the big marriage gurus advice ;)
Spending time alone is important, but you don’t have to get a sitter, get dolled up, and spend money to do that.
It’s in the quiet moments together when the kids are asleep. It’s snuggling together on the couch. It’s taking a walk.
You can always find time to love and adore each other. Kids or no kids.
Nell
We took that advice as new parents. My son was only 2 weeks old. He’d never taken a bottle. I didn’t want to go, but everyone said we NEEDED to do it. I was miserable. I got physically ill at the restaurant and we both rushed through dinner. My son wasn’t happy about the bottle, and finally only took it because he was so hungry (which made me feel even worse when I found out!). I never did that again.
On our anniversary we go out alone, and that’s about it. My kids are 5,3 and 2, so an hour or two alone without them is ok, but I’m always ready to be back with them by the time we’re done with dinner.
People think I’m strange when I say I don’t hire babysitters and I don’t like to be away from my kids. I think they’re strange too. =)
I got married at 19 too :) I am glad you are proud of it, I need to be more proud of it. I am but worry too much about what others think.
And I agree my husband and I have a ball with eachother when our two little ones come along :)
I agree with you that each couple needs to do what’s best for them. However, I do think that outside date nights are AWESOME. My husband and I have been making a focused effort to go on an outside date night at least once a month – and we look forward to those alone times immensely. Our marriage was great even when we didn’t have them and I be no means think that they are a MUST. However, I think it’s good for the couple AND for the kids (when they’re a bit older) to see their parents carving out special times for themselves.
Having said that, some of our friends have weekly outside date nights. THAT would be stressful for me. So, to each their own (date or no date).
I got married at 19 too. My husband was only 20 by 6 days. :) The advice and statements we got on it was quite hilarious. Oh, and we feel the same way as you, we prefer to keep our little ones close the first few years too. So, we make fun date nights at home.
My hubby also cuts our girls nails and toenails because it makes me nervous! :)
We feel the same as you, in many respects! We’ve been together since we were 20 & 22- When our son was born we were very hesitant to leave him w/ anyone & still rarely do! It has worked fine for us thus far- & yes we are slowly leaving him w/ grandparents more. Thursday evening he will be at a friends house while we tour the new maternity wing at where we’ll have baby boy 2.0 next month…
I’ve been with my hubby since I was 18 & vividly remember being told that I need to date other people and not expect that he would be my lasting love! Shows how much they knew – we are still madly in love 16 years later. :P
As to the rest of your post, I agree with you in principal, but I admit that I am a HUGE advocate of date nights. The reason they are so important to me is because I find it hard to just focus on my hubby when I see piles of laundry I should do, dishes to be finished, checkbooks to balance, etc. We do love each other in all of the small, mundane ways during the week, but we enjoy having the opportunity to just be together without distractions. I sometimes need to be physically taken out of “mommy mode” and brought into a more romantic place with my husband.
I believe that the best way to teach children love is by showing them the primacy of God’s love followed by the importance of marital love. It is too easy for us as women to start putting our children before our marriage, and that can cause problems later. Eventually, your kids leave – your husband won’t!
i can count on one hand the number of times we have left our kids over the past 4.5 years with someone else so we can go out sans kids.
i always tell people that “we prefer to do things WITH our kids.its the way our family works. i wouldn’t of had them if i knew i would be wanting to leave them behind all the time”.
i also knew i was ready to be married (young as well) when i had done all the things i had aspired to do “alone” (no spouse). now to move onto the things that i wanted to do and share with my favorite person.
Great post! We also got married while in college (we were just 21) and still graduated with very good grades. We studied together anyway so it made it easier being married.
We had kids right away -a bit more than 9 months later(I took my first one with me to classes)and that was great for our marriage too.
Co-sleeping didn’t hinder our relationship either nor did taking babies with us everywhere because they were breastfeeding.
There are a lot of well meaning people out there that don’t realize how good of a marriage relationship you can have -with your kids around!
Date night? What’s that?
Personally I would love to have a date night without the kids on occasion (not even monthly – maybe quarterly?) but it’s something Hubby just isn’t interested in doing so we don’t do it. Instead we cuddle on the couch when the kids are napping (he works nights so that kinda knocks out cuddling after they go to bed…) and go do things together as a family. I’m ok with that. Sugar loves to go over to Auntie’s house and play with or without Mommy, but Goose is really attached to Mommy still and he is just generally fussy when I’m not around so it isn’t fun to leave him for anything… because I hate knowing that he isn’t happy. Maybe when the kids get older we’ll do date nights now and then but for now we don’t and that’s ok by me.
I’m loving this weekend’s theme. Y’all really are such a great couple. Being at the tail end of a divorce means that mostly I hear about rotten marriages. People seem to feel the need to commiserate…to tell me about themselves, their best friends, their neighbors. Quite frankly, it gets a little depressing. I’m not the misery loves company kind of girl. I’d much rather check out the bright side…even when my side is a tad dim. It’s inspiring to read your story!
I love that I’m not the only person in the world that doesn’t want to leave my baby. My hubby and I are perfectly happy to stay home with our little one and enjoy our time as a family.
wow. this felt really freeing! thank you for this post.
I just love your take on things, your little rants. they are the best. and you and your husband are a-dor-a-ble together.
I totally agree, especially about the part about not leaving your kids with someone else. We rarely leave our kids with anyone else either. I do not uderstand why people in our society push for children to be away from their parents (preschool, these date nights, etc.) Children still need their mom during the first crucial preschool years too. I love that my kids are very attached to me and I know that I am building a strong foundation for our relationship now and in the future. I enjoy my kids and think the advice you gave about “dates” after the kids go to sleep is very helpful.
Oh this post is just wonderful. Pure wonderful.
I just finished reading a book called How to Fix Your Marriage Without Talking About It. And the gist of it was essentially your post.
Connecting. Connection. Deliberate service to the most important adult in your life. Not for your own gain, though you are sure to gain by “serving” your loved, but for the loving healthful benefit of your spouse. BECAUSE YOU WANT TO. Not because you should.
It can come from a date night, sure. It can come from waiting until you both feel ready for an important decision. Or acting sponanteously or youthfully. But everything, all of it, the toe nail clipping and glass of water and the refinancing and the budgeting, if it’s done with real respect and true intentional loving, is what keeps your marriage happy. Keeps you happy.
Not to say it doesn’t take more work from time to time. No doubt about it that it does. But if you remember your core values, why you love the person you love, why you love yourself as a human, then you have a much better than average chance that your relationship will will last and last and last.
Great post Stephanie.
I always say “you only see 10% of a relationship. 90% of it happens behind closed doors.” My husband and I (we’ve been married for 4 years and together for 10 years) always joke that we have nothing in-common except the really big stuff and for some reason it works really well for us. Strangers tsk-tsk us when our “date night” consists of gardening together or painting or running errands together. My favorite part of the day is just having him near me; it brings me peace. And anything that brings me peace must be “right.” As I like to tell him, he’s saved me from an ordinary existence; that’s true love.
Great article. Brandon and I did things a little backwards…and that’s okay. Having been married for almost 9 years now…we’re still going strong. I wish I could say the same for several of our friends…it was scary to see their marriages end in divorce.
One of the best things we’ve done for us, taking a week and a half long family vacation. That’s right! This last summer we packed in the Suburban with the kids and drove from Nebraska to Kentucky…and back. It’s hard to describe…but traveling as a family of 4…it made us feel complete. It was incredible!
Yes, love is in the daily details. I also have to say that taking time for alone time with your spouse really helps, especially as your children get older. My husband and I don’t get out without them too often, but they are cherished times for connection between the two of us. I look at it like charging the batteries, it helps remind you and keep you going to do those little things for each other daily. It reminds you of those times when it was just the two of you, and helps you appreciate your children more when you can step away from the craziness that his homework and chores and diapers and…(really, I am always so excited to get back and give them a hug after being away).
Thanks for that awesome post! We got married at a really young age I was 18 and justin was 19 and people DEFINETLY had their opinions. But we’ve made it work and its been WONDERFUL. The point is spending time together wherever and however that may be. For us its getting up early and having coffee together before Olivia wakes up. Those are the best times I think its way better then a fancy dinner. Thanks for being so real
I think you know what I think about all this! : )
Great post, Steph.
Steph
This is probably my favorite post yet! We are exactly the same way. HATE HATE HATE leaving my kids. We have done it twice in the 5 years we have had children with us. The first time was when we were visiting family, and they about had to boot us out the door. Kids were fine with Grandma, but we still struggled to leave. Then finally on our 10th anniversary, we did an anniversary date night swap with my neighbors – the same ones who watch my little people when I go to meetings. They watched ours for our anniversary dinner and we took their little ones two weeks later for their anniversary dinner. Both outings were less than 2 hours. While I must admit the anniversary dinner was nice, we still felt RUSHED to go get our kids. We are much better when they are with us, and they enjoy it too. Our marriage hasn’t “suffered” contrary to what everyone tells us because of it either! FABULOUS POST!
This is a great post. I had always heard the importance of date night but this is the first time I’ve read an argument for staying home. Married to an introvert, John will love the idea of staying home with all the kids:)
I wholeheartedly agree that love is in the EVERYDAY, not the once-a-month we trade date nights with a couple friend of ours.
Again, congrats on the book!!!
I see lots of comments, but haven’t read them, but I must say ‘Thanks for the post’ and also ‘I wholeheartedly agree’. Over the last 2 years, I have only left my son for a couple of hours one morning (while he was sleeping) to go surfing and I just didn’t even want to be out in the water away from him. I used to surf constantly before he was born. The friend who was babysitting laughed at me for being “ridiculous”, but I think it is far from ridiculous to want to experience every single moment possible of the angel that I have been given!
*Thank you for so eloquently stating yet another parenting ideal of mine!
I stumbled on this post, and love it! My husband and I have been married 6 years, together almost 9. I too got married young, 20 and had our first and only little guy 3 days after my 21st. We have never been big on date nights, we love being with our little guy and feel when we have a special night out then he should be a part of it. Afterall he is a part of us and our life and everything we do is for our unit and because of our unit. My mother in law rants on a regular basis about how we need a weekend away, a night out, how important it is that we have that. We have our nights in, our weekends in, within the comfort of our home, our haven with our little guy just steps away. I am so glad to have read this post, as I can relate on every level and am comforted in knowing that our ways aren’t so abnormal!!
One of your best posts, imo! :) I 100% agree!
Oh, I had forgotten how much I loved this post. Thanks for putting in your top posts rundown, Stephanie!
Great post! We’ve only been on a few solo date nights…it’s usually after our son is in bed for the evening, or if his grandparents are visiting…less stress all around.
We love spending time together as a family…whether that’s all of us running errands together, or going on a hike or camping trip.
FYI, I used to think co-sleeping was anathema. It was NOT what my parents or grand parents did. Yet, here we are with a 2-year old who’s been co-sleeping with us most of the time since he was born. He’ll still crawl in bed with us in the middle of the night….reassured, safe and secure, and all 3 of us get wonderful, restful sleep.
I agree with you that navigating marriage and parenthood takes on-going commitment, throwing out what the naysayers say, and investing in each other as a joyful way to honor God.
It’s an incredible adventure, and I loved your post!
drgarnecki at gmail dot com
First time visiting your blog, Steph, came by via Sarah @ Emerging Mummy.
Anyways, I can so attest to the fact that Date Nites are not necessary for a thriving marriage. Dh & I celebrated 24 yrs on Valentine’s. We have gone for long periods with no dates. These days, most of our ‘dates’ would be us getting our weekly groceries, but we enjoy that time together!! Anyways, we purpose to connect with each other every single day. We thrive on connecting our hearts and ideas, and the physical connectedness comes from there. Its gotten better and better every year. And co-sleeping certainly hasn’t deterred things. Did I mention, we have 9 children?!!
Oh so so true! I think my husband would be just fine with going out without our infant. I just don’t find too many things worth the effort to get up even earlier to pump so there’s a milk supply while we’re out. And eating aside I just don’t want to leave my baby….it goes by way too fast!
What a fabulous post!!! Thirteen years of marriage and four kids later, I still completely agree.
I stopped giving marriage advice when I realized after 23 years of marriage I don’t have it all figured out. But, I can say I totally agree with you about the date nights. Totally.
I really like this!! Finally someone said what I was thinking!!! My hubby and I love spending time together as a family and completely enjoy it. Our “date night” is staying up late on Friday’s after kids go to bed and watching movies, catching up, etc. In the morning when the kids get up and we are tired I get the kids and my hubby gets the coffee/breakfast going. Teamwork!!!
What awesome advice! My husband and I got married early too. I was 19 and he was 20. We actually went to Hawaii (thanks to my dad and aunt) but we couldn’t even rent a car because you had to be 21. We had lots of people tell us we shouldn’t get married so early but our family was behind us and that was wonderful. Now 7 years and 2 beautiful daughters later…I wouldn’t change it for the world.
My daughter will be 3.5 next month and we have had exactly 2 “solo” date nights – both times the babysitter came after I already snuggled her in to sleep :) We work full time so after being away from my child all day long, the last thing I want to do is ditch her with a stranger. People still think we’re nuts but whatever! It works for us.